My break-up blindsided me. Here's how to tell if your relationship isn't working

Be honest: Is your relationship really working for you?

When journalist Eve Simmons got married to her partner of nine years, she would have said yes.

But just six months later she was blindsided when her husband announced "seemingly out of nowhere" that he wanted a divorce.

"I was totally devastated," she told BBC Woman's Hour. "It felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world". Yet years on, she now sees the split as "the best thing that ever happened".

As she started talking to others about it, she realised that many people had faced similar experiences.

Their unexpected break-ups had freed them from long-term relationships which Eve dubbed sub-par - her term for one that ultimately doesn't work.

But how do you know if you're in one? Here's how to spot the signs and and work out whether it's worth rescuing or whether you should walk away.

1. Are you really talking?

Relationships come in all forms: some for convenience, others purely for fun, the short term, or, bluntly, great sex.

Serious relationships however, have different expectations and needs. Money, lifestyle and family plans all come into the mix

Psychotherapist and relationship coach Lucy Beresford says that in struggling relationships couples often avoid genuine, constructive conversation.

A quick "You okay?" followed by "Yeah, I'm fine" is surface-level small talk.

"That's not communication, that's stonewalling," says Lucy.

Nobody goes into a relationship wanting to see it fail, so instead of talking about issues silent tension builds up.

It's important to pay attention to how you feel. Are you walking on eggshells around certain issues, or purposely avoiding topics because they feel too risky to discuss?

Lucy says if you feel "we're not on the same page anymore" then you may have outgrown the relationship.

"When your relationship is wearing you down rather than lifting you up, the chances are there is an imbalance there," she says.

2. Are you having less sex?

Maybe you haven't had sex for weeks, or your partner is no longer booking restaurants and buying flowers like they used to.

Naming - and raising - these everyday changes instead of ignoring them is vital if you want the relationship to survive.

This doesn't mean you should question the natural ebb and flow of a long term relationship. But it's about noticing and talking about consistent shifts in a partner's behaviour.

Counsellor Georgina Sturmer suggests the following:

This kind of communication helped Katie Smith, 34 and her husband of a decade when they recently hit a "rough patch". As parents, she says they "worked through understanding each others needs and made some lifelong changes to help us stay solid". A session of couples therapy also helped.

3. Is it worth repairing?

Relationships will not always be perfect or stay the same. It's crucial to recognise that needs change over time - what you need in one decade will likely be very different from the next.

Sometimes the only way to know whether someone can grow with you is to be in the relationship with them.

"Never ever settle", Lucy warns. "You don't want to spend decades wondering if you could have been desired, intellectually challenged, or had the family you wanted, if only you had put yourself first".

So how do you do this? "Take your values and your desires seriously," she says, "and your partner's too".

Lucy suggests watching for a "tipping point" as a sign to call it quits.

This is the moment that the question when should I leave? or could I leave, becomes I must.

For Margot Davis, 34, this came after a serious discussion with her partner of three years about marriage and kids.

They'd just moved in together, but she says the conversation "awoke her subconscious" to the reality - while he'd be a "good, loving father", he was quiet and submissive and their contrasting personalities would be suffocating in parenthood.

A month later she left him, and is now planning a family with her new partner.

4. Remember you deserve to be happy

Modern dating app culture can make it easy to stay in a miserable relationship just to have a sense of security and avoid being back out there.

As Lucy warns: "There's nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship".

She says clients often mention seeing happy couples in restaurants and feeling terrified of being alone.

Lucy reminds them that looks can be deceiving - few are as happy as they seem, especially when playing it "safe".

The real question isn't "what if I fail" but "what if I fly".

"Let yourself deserve the love and happiness you want".